I slowly walked to my car, numbed from the news the doctors just gave me. I kept asking myself, "Oh my God, what am I going to do?", and "how am I going to handle this?" I was most worried about telling my parents. Stories I've heard while growing up kept running through my mind. They were stories of my parents' hardships while they grew up in their country. It was their dream to come to America to someday have a family and raise their children to have a better life than they ever did. Then, there I was trying to figure out how to tell my hard-working parents that their 18 year old daughter was pregnant. Ashamed and scared, I waited and worried...and I waited and worried about how I was going to tell my parents. Two months after my visit to the doctor, I finally had enough courage to break the news to them. Let me put it this way...it went as expected. I remember the look on my father's face, he was so shocked, mad and disappointed. I wanted to tell him first becuase he had a much calmer demeanor than my mother. I can still remember hearing my mother's footsteps as she walked up the stairs to the living room where I was talking with my father. As my mother walked into the room my father said, "you tell your mother!"
"Tell me what?!", my mother asked with her eyes widening from the anticipation that something was very wrong.
"Your daughter's pregnant," my father stearnly responded.
Words were all a blur after that, but I do remember my mother was crying, rolling on the living room floor, so sad and hurt from the news she just heard. My heart sank so deeply, I disappointed my parents. Months before I had just graduated from high school, and my parents had a huge debutant celebration for me and my sister. Instead of fulfilling their dreams of graduating from college, I was pregnant and unwed with ambitious plans. I was going to marry my boyfriend, he would join the military, and we were going to live happily ever after.
The night before my wedding, my father sat me down and said to me, "you can still back down from getting married if you want. Marriage is not easy, it's something you really have to work hard at. It will be easier to raise the baby because we can help you. Don't worry about all the money already spent on the wedding, that's just money. We just want what's best for you."
"I want to do the right thing Dad," I said.
"Okay, but it's not too late," he said with great care.
You always see crying at weddings, typically a sign for tears of joy. At my wedding, it was the exact opposite. There was a lot of crying alright, but they were tears of sadness. To my parents, I was separating from them at such a young age. To me, my life was going to change forever. Could I really see myself with my husband f-o-r-e-v-e-r? But I truly felt, I was doing the right thing.
Soon after my son was born, the military moved us clear across the country to Tampa, Florida. Shortly after the move, it happened once more. Yes, I was pregnant again! The shock of the news wasn't as devestating for my parents the second time, but I sensed they were disappointed again. I was disappointed too, another baby, money was tight, and I had nothing but my husband to fall back on. Shortly after my youngest son was born, things started to really change. My happily ever after was not a happy one. My husband, an only child began to act like a spoiled sheltered kid who finally broke free from his parents strict rule. He began to go out with his friends on the weekends, sometimes not coming home, he became very controlling and was acting really weird. To top it off, I was so homesick, I missed my sister and my parents badly. I prayed for things to get better. I prayed and prayed but nothing changed. It seemed like the more I prayed the worse things got. I knew I took the vows of...for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part, but things were getting ridiculous. When was worse going to get better? When was poorer going to get richer? I was healthy, he was sick. I loved and cherished, he didn't do crap! Two years later I had enough! I was angry! I did everything right, but why wasn't God listening to me?
I called my parents, "mom, dad, I want to come home!" Psyche, it was not that easy. I called my parents to tell them I couldn't take it anymore and I wanted to come home. In response I heard, "remember, you were the one who wanted to get married, and now you don't want to be married anymore?" Separated from my husband, I went back home with the kids. I got the support from my parents, grandparents and my sister to allow me to go back to school so I could find a decent job. A year passed when my husband had orders to transfer back to California, close to home. We reconciled and moved to his new military base just an hour and a half from my family. Another year passed and my husband's military contract was done. We moved back to my parents house temporarily. That was, temporarily for my husband, the kids and I stayed. My husband started acting weird again! This time I wasn't going to stand for it. My newfound motto was, "screw me once, shame on you - screw me twice, shame on me." He was out of there and divorce was in the works.
I was able to go to school full-time and work full-time, but I remained bitter for a handful of years after my divorce. I had to fight to get the child support my children were entitled to. It came in spurts. My son had asthma. Every time I got a raise, day care charges increased. My bills were mountainous. I was always depressed. Then one day something struck me like a lightning bolt. I was in my room crying again, when my sister walked in mad at the sight of me sad, again.
"What's wrong this time?!" she asked.
"Look at this bill, I can't afford it, it's my whole paycheck. I feel like I hit rock bottom. I'm never going to get out of this mess," I cried.
"Did you hit rock bottom?!" she asked sarcastically.
"Yes!" I yelled.
"You sure? Are you at the bottom, bottom?" she asked, just to be sure.
"Yes, I told you," I cried again.
"Good! Then from here on out, you can't go anywhere else but up. From here on out, you cannot go any further down than where you are right now, so the only place you can go now is up!"
My sister and her husband helped me with my bill under the condition that I stop feeling sorry for myself. After years of anger, resentment and bitterness, my sisters words were just what I needed to kick myself back to awareness. It happened at the most perfect Divine timing, the exact moment when Divine knew I would finally listen. Thank God for my sister for sticking by me, and helping me when I needed it most. Days after my rude awakening, my sister told me about a book she was reading, she wanted me to read it as well, "Return to Love" by Mariam Williamson. The book came when I was most ready and open for a Divine change in my life. My life was changed forever.
I began to see my many blessings. I focused gratitude on the things I had, and stopped focusing on the things I didn't have. Five years after the final separation from my husband, I graduated with two degrees, an Associate Degree in Business Administration, and a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Sociology. It was tough but we did it. Yes, we did. I didn't do any of this on my own. I'm forever grateful for my grandparents who helped watch my children, and really watched out for me. I'm forever grateful for my sister, my angel on earth, and brother-in-law who helped care for my children and helped me financially when I really needed it. I'm forever grateful for my parents who loved me enough to let me learn the lessons I needed to learn on my own, and for providing a loving home for me and my children. I'm even grateful for my ex-husband for being the jerk that he was, because if it wasn't for him I would've still been a submissive, passive woman with no mind of her own. I'm grateful for my closest friends who encouraged and inspired me in ways they may not be aware of. I'm grateful to be married to the man of my dreams, who took care of my children and to this day treats me like a princess. I'm especially grateful for all the unconditional love God has blessed me with through my family, and the wonderous events and people that have crossed my path. Love truly is all that is real.
I'm happier now than I've ever imagined I could be. Don't be mistaken, I still worry, I still cry, I still have times when my faith is tested, but I know now that there's blessings in everything. Miracles come in Divine timing, not on my timing.
